Hey, You! Get Off Of My House!
by Debwood-1999
Summary: A cranky Matt shoots an intruder on Christmas Eve. Pure crack fic!


**Hey, You! Get Off Of My House!**

**This one was inspired by the song "Hey You! Get Off Of My House!" by Bob Rivers and Twisted Radio. Enjoy!**

"Someone help me close this window!"

Jeff cocked an eyebrow as he and Adam climbed off the couch to help Matt close the living room window. One of Matt's houseguests had thought it would be a good idea to open it earlier in the day to let a little breeze in. Now, it was sundown on Christmas Eve, and the temperature dropped, allowing a cold wind to blow through the downstairs.

"A little help here!" Under his breath, Matt muttered, "God I wish this snow would stop falling."

"Matty, we're trying," Jeff said. "The window must be froze open or something."

"Well, try harder! I'm freezing my stones here! It must be 99 below outside."

"It can't be _that_ cold," Adam fired back. It took some effort, but the three of them managed to get the frozen window shut. "That was interesting." Adam scowled at Matt. "What are you all pissy about tonight? It's Christmas Eve, Matty. You're oughta be all happy and festive and stuff."

"Sorry. I'm just not feeling very festive right now," Matt sighed as he flopped down on the couch, Adam and Jeff following suit.

Christmas Eve at the Hardy house was pretty joyous this year. Matt's boyfriend Mor and Justin (who'd been invited over so he wouldn't be a Christmas orphan) were in the kitchen making a batch of cookies. Evan and Jay were on the Internet, tracking Santa on the Norad site. Phil and Shannon had gone outside for one last snowball fight before it was time to come back in. Before Matt asked (or demanded) help closing the window, Adam and Jeff had been watching _How The Grinch Stole Christmas _for the five-hundredth time and sipping hot chocolate. It was a perfect holiday picture.

Well, perfect, except for Matt walking around like he had a bee up his ass.

"I'm just flashing back to last year," Matt sighed. "Remember that fiasco with Miz and the popcorn fight?"

Adam and Jeff nodded. Oh, yes. That was the Christmas when Matt had made the mistake of inviting Miz over for a few days so that _he _wouldn't be a Christmas orphan. The loudmouth had been making popcorn wreaths with Mor and Phil and had gotten into an argument with them over some petty crap. That led to the three of them chucking popcorn at each other, and it snowballed into a fight where everyone threw the fluffy kernels at each other all over the house. That led to a silent promise by Matt never to invite Miz over to anymore Chrismas get-togethers and popcorn kernels being found in the couch cushions months later.

And to make matters worse, Santa and his reindeer landed so hard on Matt's roof on Christmas Eve, he caused a large crack that cost thousands of dollars to fix.

"That was the worst Christmas ever," said Matt. "I still have nightmares about it."

Jeff patted his brother's shoulder. "Tell me about it," he agreed, nodding.

"What is it with Santa and me?" Matt wondered. "He wakes me up out of bed, breaks into my house, eats all my food and leaves behind a sack of stuff I really don't want. And he causes thousands of dollars in property damage. I swear, Santa must be out to get me or something."

"Speaking of Santa," Evan called out, as he and Jay got off the computer, "NORAD's reporting that Santa has just entered North American airspace."

Matt groaned. "I hope he misses the house tonight."

Evan looked at Matt like he'd just sprouted horns. "WHAT?"

"I didn't mean it that way," Matt backpedaled. "I meant, I hope he doesn't land on top of my house like last year."

Jay nodded. "Oh, yeah. The roof, right?"

"Yeah. The roof." _If Santa pulls that crap again, like he did last year, _Matt thought to himself, _I swear I'll shoot him down._

Jeff swore he could hear jingle bells outside. A glance at the bedside clock put the time at midnight. He rolled over and nudged Adam awake. "Addy, I think Santa's here."

Adam groaned and opened his eyes. "Cool, let's hope he doesn't land on the roof this year."

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON TOP OF MY HOUSE, YOU OVERGROWN ELF! GET OFF MY ROOF! TAKE YOUR REINDEER AND FLY OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE!" shouted Matt's voice from outside. "YOU BROKE MY ROOF LAST YEAR! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO EXPLAIN THAT TO MY INSURANCE AGENT?"

"I guess he did."

He and Jeff threw on some robes and climbed out of bed to check out the commotion. They weren't the only ones; Justin, Mor, Phil, Shannon, Jay and Evan all had the same idea, as they stumbled out of their respective bedrooms and followed Adam and Jeff.

"IT'S TOO LATE TO BE UP, DAMMIT! I DON'T NEED TOYS! YOU NEVER BRING ME WHAT I ASK FOR ANYWAY!"

"Cranky much?" Justin shook his head.

"Bad experience from last year," Mor tried to explain. "I don't think Matt ever told you about last Christmas, did he?"

"Just about Miz and the popcorn fight. I can't stand sharing a motel room with that loudmouth. And Matt put up with him for a week? I don't envy him a bit."

"LISTEN PAL, I HAVE A SHOTGUN, AND IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY ROOF, I'LL BLAST YOUR CANDY ASS OUT OF THAT SLED!"

Phil stiffened. "He can't be serious, can he? I heard Matt had a homicidal streak, but this is ridiculous."

Shannon clapped a hand on Phil's shoulder. "I don't think he's serious. But he may get a big lump of coal in his stocking-"

"THAT'S IT! EAT LEAD!"

A series of shotgun blasts caused all the houseguests to jump. Jay put his hand on his chest. "I think you spoke to soon."

Then, there was more commotion outside; crashing, shouting, and stuff breaking.

"MATTY!" Jeff charged out of the house, followed by Adam, Phil and Shannon, Mor and Justin, with Jay and Evan bringing up the rear. They all ran around to the backyard and came across an unforgettable sight.

A big red sleigh lay in a broken mess on the ground, and a tangled mob of reindeer lay in the snow, trying to get up. A big fat guy in a red suit rolled around on the ground, groaning in obvious pain. Nearby lay a red velvet sack, with the contents spilled out. It took a moment for it to all register.

Matt put the shotgun down on the porch. "I warned him to get off my roof. But did he listen?"

"Holy Crap, Matt!" Jay exclaimed shaking his head.

Justin's eyes were wide. "Matty! You shot Santa Claus!" he gasped.

"Hey, don't freak. I only winged him. He'll limp a little, but he'll be fine." Matt glanced over his shoulder at the crashed sled and fallen sack. "Hey, guys, let's go see what's in the bag." That was followed by a slap to the top of his head by Adam. "Ow! What?"

"Matt, you dolt! That's Santa Claus!"

"Well, he never gave me anything I wanted. Maybe this time I'll be lucky."

**NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I couldn't resist putting Justin in this one, even though he's supposed to be a heel and part of the Nexus. Personally, I think the Nexus is holding him back. **

**BTW, I know Matty may be out of character in this one, but I had to make him snarky or this wouldn't work. Besides, Matty muse was being kinda cranky today anyway *gets slapped upside the head* OW! What was THAT for?**

**Matty muse: That's for calling me cranky! Hmmph! *folds arms***

**No Santas were harmed in the writing of this fic.**


End file.
